How To Deal With Toxic People That Are Close to You
Everyone has someone that is close to them that is extremely toxic. Usually this person is really close, like a sibling or a cousin, or a friend that you grew up with. Now, conventional wisdom says that when someone is toxic, the best thing you can do is cut them off. But what if it’s not that simple? What if the toxic person in question is someone who you actually have an obligation to? Say for example, a family member who’s incarcerated, or a child, or a parent? What if this toxic individual is someone who may have a mental instability and can’t really control their toxicity? What if the individual in question is someone who, despite their toxicity, you feel genuine compassion for them? How do you handle a situation like this?
Oftentimes, we like to just dismiss toxic people. And most of the time, this is indeed the best course of action to take. If a person is a cancer in your life, you cut it out. But I have found that sometimes, it’s just not that simple. You see, I have the curse of being an empath. Why do I call it curse? Because being an empath means that you have the ability to feel what other people are feeling, to understand the motivation behind their actions, to tap into their spirit. Trust me, this is not always a good thing, especially if your empathic sensibilities are coupled with a strong moral and ethical code. When you understand the reason BEHIND a toxic person’s actions, sometimes that moral code will kick in and make simply cutting that person off almost impossible. And if that person is someone that you actually have an obligation to, then it becomes an actual source of stress. This is when your empathetic abilities become a curse.
I’ve been an empath for as long as I can remember. I have never been a person who can sit back and watch people suffer. If I see someone hurting or going through, and I have the ability to alleviate their suffering in ANY way, then I have to act. It’s literally a compulsion. Of course, the issue with this is that the people I help often turn out to be toxic, taking my kindness for weakness, and then my desire to help them becomes detrimental to my peace of mind. I can remember back when I was child, I would give other children my toys. In my mind, I had plenty of toys that I could play with, while this child had little or none. It wasn’t hurting me to let them have one of mine. Of course, I would get in trouble with my parents, because I disregarded the fact that they had spent their hard earned money to get me this toy that I just gave away. As an adult, I’ve probably given away thousands of dollars, often to people who I didn’t know. It’s nothing for me to pull out a $20 bill and give it to the guy begging at the gas station. I know he’s probably gonna use it to buy beer, but it doesn’t matter; all I can think about is I COULD HAVE BEEN the one begging, and how demeaning it must be to be in that situation. My father once told me that I needed to learn how to say NO; unfortunately, it’s something I never really learned. I’m almost 50, and I’m just now beginning to get grasp on the concept. In fact, grappling with it is the reason I’m inspired to write this piece you’re reading. I often wander how I got this way; perhaps it’s because I raised as an only child by adoptive parents who were 60 years older than me…..
At any rate, I’m finding that it really comes down to what’s more important to me. Is my peace of mind more important, or is it more important that I do the right thing by people in spite of their toxicity. Do I continue exercising compassion, or do I put put my peace first? For some, it’s easy; nothing comes between their peace. For me, it’s not. I can’t just let someone suffer when I have the ability to help them, even if I know beforehand that the individual is toxic, and won’t appreciate my help. It’s a helluva burden to carry. So what do I do? I’ve learned that it’s best to always follow your heart; do what you think is right, no matter what. Always strive to do the right thing, so that you can sleep well at night. Let the universe take care of those toxic people; it has a way of settling things in order, and putting people in their place. And that, my friends, is where I find my peace of mind.
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